How to Respond When Your Autistic Child Keeps "Misbehaving"

When it feels like your child is constantly doing the opposite of what you've asked—even after a thousand reminders—it’s easy to feel helpless, frustrated, or even angry. If you're yelling more than you want to and nothing is changing, you're not alone. Here's why what's happening might not be "misbehavior" at all—and what you can do differently starting today.

A Simple Shift to Try Tonight

Instead of labeling a behavior as "misbehavior," pause and ask yourself: “What is my child trying to achieve by doing this?”

Let's say your child keeps jumping on the couch. You’ve said no a dozen times, maybe more. Instead of assuming they’re defying you on purpose, try thinking: “What do they get out of this behavior?”

Are they seeking sensory input? Trying to get your attention? Looking for a way to play?

Once you understand what they’re getting from the behavior, you can offer a better, safer, more appropriate way to meet that same need. That’s the moment where change starts.

Why This Matters (It’s Not Just About the Couch)

Many autistic children don’t absorb behavioral rules just because we say them. Not because they’re defiant—but because abstract language like “don’t do that” doesn’t teach the context or feeling behind what we’re asking. Instead, they often learn best through clear, consistent patterns—especially when those patterns are connected to their goals. Behavior tells us something. It’s communication. It’s strategy. It has a function.

When we understand function, we can respond with compassion and curiosity instead of punishment and yelling. And when we pair logical consequences with better alternatives, we help our kids internalize safe and appropriate ways to get their needs met—without shame.

Step-by-Step: From Yelling to Teaching

1. Identify the function: What is your child trying to experience or communicate with this behavior?
2. Offer an alternative: What is a safer, appropriate, and just-as-satisfying way to meet the same need?
3. Follow through with consistent consequences: Calmly and predictably describe what happens next if the behavior continues.

Let’s break it down with a real example.

Real-Life Script for the Couch Scenario

Behavior: Your child is jumping on the couch after being told not to.

Assumption shift: “Instead of assuming he’s disobeying me on purpose, I’ll assume he’s seeking sensory input.”

Offer an alternative: Bring out a safe jumping option like a mini tramp, crash pad, or thick floor mat.

Set up the consequence: “I see you want to jump. Jumping on the couch is not safe. If you keep jumping on the couch, I’ll help you down and we can jump on the mat instead.”

Follow through warmly and consistently: “You’re still jumping on the couch. I’m going to help you down now. Let’s try the mat—I’ll jump with you!”

Consistency is key. And pairing the consequence with a better option makes it feel fair and helps the child actually learn from the moment.

When to Seek Support

If every day feels like a power struggle... if your child’s behavior is escalating... or if you’re starting to feel burned out from trying everything and still feeling stuck—this is a good time to reach out.

Sometimes it’s not about trying harder—it’s about getting the right tools, tuned to how your child learns and processes the world. You don’t need to figure this out alone.

Looking for More Help?

If you’d like more support understanding what your child’s behavior is trying to communicate—and how to respond in a way that actually helps them grow—you can schedule a free 30-minute discovery call with me to see if consultation is the right fit for your family.

FAQ

Is my child trying to manipulate me?

No. Autistic children (and young children in general) aren’t manipulative in the adult sense of the word. They’re usually trying to meet a need, avoid discomfort, or express something—often without the language or tools to do it another way. When we say “manipulative,” we often mean “this behavior affects me emotionally.” That’s real—but the solution is still skill-building and support, not punishment.

What if they keep doing the behavior even after I’ve offered an alternative?

This is where consistency matters. Stay calm, offer the alternative again, and follow through with the limit. You’re teaching a new pattern, and that takes repetition. Over time, the natural consequence + appealing alternative = more learning and less struggle.

How do I know what the “function” of the behavior is?

Great question. Think about what they might be getting: sensory input (e.g., jumping feels good), your attention (even if it’s negative), escaping a demand, or meeting a need like hunger or rest. Watch what happens after the behavior and what they seem to seek through it. You can also get support identifying this in consultation.

Why doesn’t saying “stop!” work?

Because “stop” is abstract. It doesn’t show them what to do instead. Many kids—especially autistic kids—need explicit, visual, or modeled alternatives. “Stop jumping” becomes much more helpful when followed with “let’s jump on this soft pad instead—it’s safer and more fun.”

What if I’ve already been yelling—have I ruined anything?

No. You haven’t ruined anything. You’re human. You were trying your best with what you knew. Every moment is a chance to reconnect and try a new approach. Repair is powerful. And most importantly—change is possible.

You’ve got this. And I’ve got your back every step of the way.