When Intervention Misses the Mark: What Our Kids Actually Need in Special Education

If you're a parent of a young child with developmental differences, I know how hard it is to trust other people with your toddler’s care. You send your little one off to preschool hoping—praying—that they’ll be safe, supported, and taught in a way that actually helps them thrive.

But far too often, the bar is set heartbreakingly low. And what passes as “intervention” in some special education classrooms leaves children frustrated, disempowered, and painfully disconnected.

I want to share what I observed recently, because it shook me. And because you deserve to know what high-quality intervention should—and should not—look like for your child.

Start Here: Watch for How “Help” Is Making Your Child Feel

If your child comes home agitated, withdrawn, or increasingly dysregulated after preschool, don’t ignore your gut. Behavior is communication—and it can be a powerful clue to what’s happening when you're not there.

Ask yourself:

• Is my child more anxious or aggressive after school?
• Do they start resisting getting dressed or transitioning to school routines?
• Are their meltdowns increasing in frequency or intensity?

Of course preschool brings challenges. But consistent distress is a signal that something deeper may be going on. And unfortunately, not all special education classrooms are built on connection, joy, or dignity.

Why This Matters: Early Intervention Shapes Long-Term Trajectories

In the early years, a child’s brain is building the foundation for how they will learn, interact, and regulate for life. Preschool should not look like a job site—it should feel like an invitation.

When early intervention is done poorly—rigid, adult-controlled, disconnected from joy—it risks reinforcing learned helplessness, escalating sensory overwhelm, and teaching kids that communication isn’t worth trying.

Your toddler deserves better. All young children do.

What High-Quality Intervention Should Actually Look Like

1. Play-based, not work-driven. Meaningful learning for toddlers comes through shared joy and curiosity, not worksheets or compliance training.
2. Spontaneous communication always honored. If a child uses a gesture, a picture, or a vocalization to express themself, we reinforce it immediately—not ask them to “put it away” because it doesn’t fit the schedule.
3. Needs-based behavior is seen as information, not defiance. If a child begins hitting themselves after being denied access to a toy, the root cause isn’t “noncompliance”—it’s communication, frustration, or lack of support.
4. Engagement is mutual—not coerced. We build motivation by becoming fun and safe to be with, not by restricting choice or controlling materials until demands are met.
5. Adults model curiosity and respect. Children tune in to adults who delight in them. If the room feels cold or disconnected, that tells us adult energy needs recalibration more than the child’s behavior does.

Real-Life Scripts and Alternatives to Harmful Practices

Instead of “That’s not available right now.”

Try: “Oh, you really want the truck! It looks so fun. I’m going to set a timer and then it can be your turn!”

Instead of forcing eye contact or covering their face

Try: “I’m going to put Mr. Potato Head on my head—let’s see if you can spot him!” (Make yourself interesting—not forceful.)

Instead of taking away their communication device

Say: “Your words stay with you—you can always tell me something, even when we’re doing hard things. Let’s check together if you want ‘help’ or ‘break.’”

Instead of calling it “work”

Say: “Let’s play a game together! Want to pick the next one?”

When to Seek Support

If you feel uneasy after visiting your child’s classroom—or if your child’s behavior is shifting in ways that feel alarming—it’s more than okay to ask questions.

You might consider:

• Requesting additional classroom observations or video reviews.
• Asking for a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA) to understand why behaviors are occurring.
• Advocating for training in neurodiversity-affirming practices for all staff.

Most importantly, trust your instincts. No professional—no matter their credentials—knows your child better than you do.

Get Clarity on What’s Developmentally Typical—and What's Not

It’s easy to doubt yourself when interventions feel off, especially when professionals reassure you everything is “appropriate” or “within range.”

That’s exactly why I created my free developmental milestones guide—to help you understand what to look for in early communication, connection, motor skills, and more. It’s practical, easy to read, and meant to give you peace of mind and a deeper sense of agency.

You’re Not Powerless—And You’re Not Alone

If stories like this one leave you fired up or completely overwhelmed, I get it. The gap between what you hoped for and what’s actually happening can feel huge—and heartbreaking.

But those feelings you’re having? They’re your compass.

And if you’d like support thinking through your child’s current services, or planning more developmentally appropriate strategies at home or school, you can schedule a free 30-minute discovery call with me to see if consultation would be a good fit for your family.

FAQs

What should early intervention look like for toddlers with autism?

It should be play-based, joy-driven, and deeply connected. Toddlers learn best through interactions that feel safe, attuned, and mutually reinforcing. Skill-building happens inside of fun, not in place of it.

Is it normal for special education classrooms to feel rigid or task-focused?

Unfortunately, many still follow outdated models. But just because it’s common doesn't mean it's right. Rigor does not have to mean rigidity. Developmentally appropriate, neurodiversity-affirming strategies are becoming more available—and more urgent.

Can I ask for changes to my child’s school program?

Yes. As a parent, you have the right to be part of shaping your child’s Individualized Education Plan (IEP). You can request observations, suggest alternative strategies, and advocate for training using relationship-first, evidence-based practices.

What if my child can’t tell me what’s happening at school?

That’s one of the scariest parts. But behavior, body language, and emotional tone can all give you clues. Keep a simple behavior log and note any changes after school days. Patterns often tell a deeper story.

How do I know if my child’s communication method is being respected?

Your child should always have access to their primary communication tools during all routines—including play and learning times. If their AAC device or picture binder is taken away, that’s a red flag, not a best practice.

Every child deserves to feel seen, heard, and safe. Let’s keep pushing for a system—and a world—that actually listens.