Understanding the Why Behind Challenging Behavior in Young Children

When a child spits, bites, hits, or throws objects, it's easy to feel overwhelmed or even judged. You might wonder what you're doing wrong—or what’s going on inside your child. But here’s something incredibly important: all behavior has a purpose. And once we understand what that purpose is, we can start making real progress—not through punishment or shame, but through support, teaching, and adjustment.

This is one of the most important shifts I walk families through: moving away from reacting to behavior, and toward investigating behavior. Because spitting? It’s not just “bad behavior.” It’s your child’s way of trying—however clumsily—to get a need met.

Start Here: Look for the Reason, Not Just the Behavior

Before jumping into strategies, take a deep breath and ask: What is my child trying to communicate with this behavior?

Let’s say your child spits during structured activities like table work or mealtime. Are they overwhelmed? Trying to get out of the task? Seeking attention? Avoiding sensory discomfort? The spit isn’t random. It’s serving a function. Your job isn’t to stop the behavior in isolation—it’s to understand what your child is seeking or avoiding by doing it.

That’s the first step I’d encourage you to take today: observe without judgment. Start keeping note of:

• What happened right before the spitting?
• What did you or others do afterward?
• What did your child seem to want in that moment?

This kind of reflection opens the door to real solutions, not just quick fixes.

Why This Matters for Long-Term Development

When we treat behavior as communication, we start supporting the skills our children need to express themselves in better ways. This is the foundation for emotional regulation, social connection, and learning. Ignoring the function—not looking at the why—means we risk missing opportunities to teach skills or accidentally reinforcing behaviors we’re trying to reduce.

Instead of just suppressing spitting, we want to equip your child with tools that work better for them in the long run—like making choices, using gestures, or asking for a break.

Step-by-Step: Supporting Behavior Through Teaching and Environment

Here’s a simple roadmap for approaching behavior with science-backed compassion:

1. Figure out the function. Is your child trying to escape a task? Get attention? Communicate a need? Avoid a sensory experience?
2. Teach a better way to get the same need met. If the function is “I need a break,” then let’s teach a break card. If it's “I need help,” model the words or gesture for help.
3. Adjust the environment to help your child succeed. That might mean:
   • Making the task easier or shorter
   • Giving choices to increase autonomy
   • Providing frequent access to breaks

Behavior isn’t just about the child—it’s a dynamic between the child and their environment. And the more we adjust our side of things, the more tools we give our kids to thrive.

Real-Life Scripts You Can Use

Here are a few quick teaching moments that support skill-building over correction:

• Instead of “No spitting!” try: “You can say ‘break’ if you need a break. Here, let’s practice it together.”
• When giving work: “You only need to do two papers before you can take your puzzle break. Let’s count them.”
• During frustration: “You can say ‘help’—let me show you with your picture card.”

The goal here is teaching, not punishing. We reduce behaviors not by extinguishing them, but by replacing them with something that works better for the child and still meets the same need.

When to Seek Support

If your child's behavior is causing real disruption at home or school—especially if you're seeing harmful behaviors like spitting, biting, or intense tantrums—this is a good time to seek help from a behavior analyst or early childhood specialist. A Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) can help you:

• Evaluate the function of behavior
• Design a simple, home-friendly plan
• Teach you how to respond consistently in ways that reduce stress and increase connection

You're not expected to figure this all out alone. Getting expert insight doesn't mean you're failing—it means you're being proactive and smart about your child’s long-term development.

Supporting Development Starts with Knowing What to Look For

If you’re feeling unsure whether your child’s behavior or communication is aligned with their age, I want to offer you something that can help right away. I created my free developmental milestones guide to give parents clarity and peace of mind. It breaks down what to watch for, what might need support, and how to begin that journey with confidence.

Need More Personalized Support?

If you’d like more support figuring out what your child’s behavior means and how to respond in a way that’s grounded in evidence and empathy, you can schedule a free 30-minute discovery call with me. We’ll talk about what’s happening at home and explore whether consultation is the right next step for your family.

FAQs About Behavioral Challenges and How to Help Your Child

What does it mean when a child spits during certain activities?

Spitting is often a way for a child to escape a task, get attention, or avoid discomfort. It’s not random—it’s purposeful behavior. That doesn’t mean it’s okay, but it does mean we need to understand why it’s happening before we can teach something better.

How do I figure out the function of my child’s behavior?

Start by observing what happens before and after the behavior. What seems to trigger it? What does your child get or avoid by doing it? Jotting this down over a few days can help reveal patterns.

Is it okay to “give in” to the behavior?

It depends. Supporting your child’s needs isn’t the same as reinforcing harmful behaviors. The goal is to teach a more appropriate way to get needs met—not to ignore or punish the need itself.

Should I discipline spitting or other harmful behavior?

Behavior that's harmful should be addressed, but not from a place of punishment. The more effective path is to model, teach, and reshape the environment. Discipline means “to teach,” not “to punish.”

When should I seek professional help?

If the behaviors are escalating, happening often, or impacting your child’s development, seeking support from a behavior analyst or early intervention expert can bring clarity and relief.